Depression · Identity · Life

Soul’s Dark Night

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My soul has been lacking in spiritual fortitude of late.  It seems like every time I turn around, I’ve fallen down yet another flight of stairs and landed in yet another sticky pile of sin.  Which of course does not just brush off with one swish of a Clorox wipe.

My heart is heavy with defeat.  Sluggish with the bitter aftertaste of forbidden things that have lied their bitter lies.  I hate the look of my face in the bathroom mirror.

Funny, I keep growing up more, doing more, obtaining more things that promise satisfaction, full and lasting.  And I’ve come up empty so many times, not the least of them today.

My heart is scraped clean of all goodness and I find myself raw.  Flayed open to the core.  I am spilling out with every heave of my burning chest.  There is nothing left of me.

I need You.  I breathe it out into the dark night of my soul.  I’ve lived too long like this.  The ache for redemption is pushing itself into every corner of my soul and it hurts.

Are You there?  Tentatively, I stretch out my fingers, feeling through the blackness, reaching.  Are You there?

My fingertips collide with something in the darkness.  A book.  I grasp it with a sudden desperation.

You are here.  I drink You in through the pages.  My soul fills to overflowing and still I thirst for more of You.

I search You out in the words.  Your beauty shines through every brush-stroked letter.  Slowly, I find You have written my story in these lines.

I see my search for peace in foolish things.  I see my loss of hope and my crushing despair.  But everywhere, woven as a thread through an entire tapestry, I see You.

Wooing me to You.  Offering a pathway of redemption.  Holding out Your hands for a lifetime of grace.  Preparing an eternal home of peace.

I will follow You, my King.  Lead me down this pathway.  Take my hand and show me grace.  Carry me home when the night is spent and Your light shines brighter than the sun.

And until then, chain my heart to Yours.  I am lost without You.

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