How to Fail at Writing

How to Fail at Writing

People are always telling you how to accomplish things.  Not quite as often do they give you the insider advice on how to be an expert at failing something.

I happen to be an expert at failing at writing.  So, here’s a very brief, simple five-step plan to becoming an expert like me.

(1) Don’t write.
While it seems fairly obvious, the fastest way to failure is to simply not do something.  I have become quite good at this and have been known to stop writing for days, weeks, even months at a time.  If you try hard enough, I’m sure you can do it too!

(2) Always stay up late and sleep in.
When your body is deprived of a healthy sleep cycle, it will rebel against daily disciplines like writing.  To really make use of this tip, I would stay up until at least 11 and then not get up again until 7:30 at the earliest.  Trust me.  When you put in the effort, you can get good at this.

(3) Eat only junk food and never drink anything other than soda.
This is one that I still struggle with.  I just like water way too much.  Make sure you’re cutting out vegetables and piling on those carbohydrates.  Pop-Tarts are your new best friend.  That and drinking lots and lots of carbonated drinks.

(4) Never exercise.
I can’t begin to tell you how important this step is.  You can be diligent in the other steps so far and be getting good at failure, but if you exercise, it will actually wake your brain up, ruin the progress you’ve made, and you might even feel the urge to write.  Run far, far away from any form of exercise.  Wait a second, don’t run.  That would be exercising.  Just sit on the couch and repel it with your light saber.

(5) Fill your mind with useless thought material that numbs your mind and *Attention: this is the most important part of the entire stinkin’ process* NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES are you to make following God the highest priority in your life.
Okay, so first you need to concentrate on knowing lots of facts about things that interest you, but aren’t really helpful to normal life.  This would include my mass knowledge of LOTR behind the scenes information and my IMDB type brain that can usually recognize at least one actor in every single movie I watch.  (I’m rather obsessive.)  Now, you don’t have to do this in just the movie realm.  This step can be accomplished in virtually any area of life.  Try to find your fulfillment in your vast knowledge and not in concrete things, especially not in God.

This is the most important thing.  If you make following God the highest priority in your life, you’ll slowly stop failing more and more.  You don’t want this.  To be a true expert at failure, you need to avoid reading your Bible, stop going to church (or at least stop mentally/actively participating), and definitely do not pray.  As long as you avoid these things, you should be good.

Well, there you have it.  My five proven steps to becoming an expert at failure.  It’s worked for me time out of mind and I know it will work for you.  Just try and see if you can’t fail a little better tomorrow because of it!

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(As I hope everyone already knows, this post is completely facetious and meant to kick you into high-gear doing the complete opposite of what it suggests.)

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