Depression · Identity · Life

Soul’s Dark Night

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My soul has been lacking in spiritual fortitude of late.  It seems like every time I turn around, I’ve fallen down yet another flight of stairs and landed in yet another sticky pile of sin.  Which of course does not just brush off with one swish of a Clorox wipe.

My heart is heavy with defeat.  Sluggish with the bitter aftertaste of forbidden things that have lied their bitter lies.  I hate the look of my face in the bathroom mirror.

Funny, I keep growing up more, doing more, obtaining more things that promise satisfaction, full and lasting.  And I’ve come up empty so many times, not the least of them today.

My heart is scraped clean of all goodness and I find myself raw.  Flayed open to the core.  I am spilling out with every heave of my burning chest.  There is nothing left of me.

I need You.  I breathe it out into the dark night of my soul.  I’ve lived too long like this.  The ache for redemption is pushing itself into every corner of my soul and it hurts.

Are You there?  Tentatively, I stretch out my fingers, feeling through the blackness, reaching.  Are You there?

My fingertips collide with something in the darkness.  A book.  I grasp it with a sudden desperation.

You are here.  I drink You in through the pages.  My soul fills to overflowing and still I thirst for more of You.

I search You out in the words.  Your beauty shines through every brush-stroked letter.  Slowly, I find You have written my story in these lines.

I see my search for peace in foolish things.  I see my loss of hope and my crushing despair.  But everywhere, woven as a thread through an entire tapestry, I see You.

Wooing me to You.  Offering a pathway of redemption.  Holding out Your hands for a lifetime of grace.  Preparing an eternal home of peace.

I will follow You, my King.  Lead me down this pathway.  Take my hand and show me grace.  Carry me home when the night is spent and Your light shines brighter than the sun.

And until then, chain my heart to Yours.  I am lost without You.

Life

When the Sun Won’t Shine

Do you ever have times where you’re down and you have no idea why?  You’re just down?

Today is one of those days.

My soul is heavy and I feel weighted down by the burden of life.

Just life.

Nothing major.  Not a breakup, or a suspended license, or a college refusal letter.

Just life.

The dozens of equations waiting to be worked out.  The pages of journaling yet to be written.  The love needed to reach out and be part of my family.

The painstaking, gut-wrenching crawl towards Jesus.

It’s exhausting.  I am overcome.  It is here that I am tested.  From where does my help come? (a)

Do I seek it out on YouTube?

Do I envelop myself in a blanket and cry?

Do I numb my mind and soul in endless television?

*deep breath*  I preach to myself.

My help comes from the Lord. (b)

My help comes from the Lord.

My help comes from the Lord.

Not from within myself.

My help comes from the Lord.

Not from this world.

My help comes from the Lord.

Not from my friends.

My help comes from the Lord.

Not even from my family.

My help comes from the Lord.

It is only this sure and steadfast anchor (c) that I can cling to in every storm.  I call out to my Savior.

Let Your steadfast love comfort me according to Your promise to Your servant! (d)

According to Your promise.

According to Your promise.

Your promise?  You have promised to save me.

I am comforted.  You have promised to save me.  I know you to be a faithful God.  You have promised to save me.

I am saved.  I am loved.  I am Yours.

And it is enough.

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(a) Psalm 121:1
(b) Psalm 121:2
(c) Hebrews 6:19
(d) Psalm 119:76

All references are taken from the ESV translation.