Writing

How to Fail at Writing

How to Fail at Writing

People are always telling you how to accomplish things.  Not quite as often do they give you the insider advice on how to be an expert at failing something.

I happen to be an expert at failing at writing.  So, here’s a very brief, simple five-step plan to becoming an expert like me.

(1) Don’t write.
While it seems fairly obvious, the fastest way to failure is to simply not do something.  I have become quite good at this and have been known to stop writing for days, weeks, even months at a time.  If you try hard enough, I’m sure you can do it too!

(2) Always stay up late and sleep in.
When your body is deprived of a healthy sleep cycle, it will rebel against daily disciplines like writing.  To really make use of this tip, I would stay up until at least 11 and then not get up again until 7:30 at the earliest.  Trust me.  When you put in the effort, you can get good at this.

(3) Eat only junk food and never drink anything other than soda.
This is one that I still struggle with.  I just like water way too much.  Make sure you’re cutting out vegetables and piling on those carbohydrates.  Pop-Tarts are your new best friend.  That and drinking lots and lots of carbonated drinks.

(4) Never exercise.
I can’t begin to tell you how important this step is.  You can be diligent in the other steps so far and be getting good at failure, but if you exercise, it will actually wake your brain up, ruin the progress you’ve made, and you might even feel the urge to write.  Run far, far away from any form of exercise.  Wait a second, don’t run.  That would be exercising.  Just sit on the couch and repel it with your light saber.

(5) Fill your mind with useless thought material that numbs your mind and *Attention: this is the most important part of the entire stinkin’ process* NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES are you to make following God the highest priority in your life.
Okay, so first you need to concentrate on knowing lots of facts about things that interest you, but aren’t really helpful to normal life.  This would include my mass knowledge of LOTR behind the scenes information and my IMDB type brain that can usually recognize at least one actor in every single movie I watch.  (I’m rather obsessive.)  Now, you don’t have to do this in just the movie realm.  This step can be accomplished in virtually any area of life.  Try to find your fulfillment in your vast knowledge and not in concrete things, especially not in God.

This is the most important thing.  If you make following God the highest priority in your life, you’ll slowly stop failing more and more.  You don’t want this.  To be a true expert at failure, you need to avoid reading your Bible, stop going to church (or at least stop mentally/actively participating), and definitely do not pray.  As long as you avoid these things, you should be good.

Well, there you have it.  My five proven steps to becoming an expert at failure.  It’s worked for me time out of mind and I know it will work for you.  Just try and see if you can’t fail a little better tomorrow because of it!

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(As I hope everyone already knows, this post is completely facetious and meant to kick you into high-gear doing the complete opposite of what it suggests.)

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Writing

Dome (a character introduction)

I was going to wait a couple weeks for this post, but I just couldn’t.  I am almost ready to pop to share these characters with the few people who read this blog.  Lovely readers, I give you Jamara, Shastiana, Cooper, and Keona…

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Jamara (Age 19 / MC) – Raised by the midwife who delivered her, Jamara is a young girl who has grown up in hiding.  When the assassin Mikar captures her mother, Jamara is sentenced to a living death in the sealed Cove within the Dome community.  As she grows older, she is told stories of the sky and she longs with all of her heart to escape the Dome and return to her mother’s home, perhaps even to find her father.  But the Unsealing will happen in less than a year.  Unless she escapes now, what sweet memories of life in The Cove that she has will be wiped and she will enter life in the main Dome community, never to see the sun.

Shastiana

Shastiana Tonric (Age 37 / SC) – A midwife captured by Mikar at the age of eighteen and forced to raise the children of the women she assists in birth, Shastiana loves all of “her” children dearly, but she longs to reunite them with their true mothers.  Her life however, is guarded within the sealed Cove and she is never permitted to leave.  She contents herself by spinning dreams of the land for her children and making plans for them to all one day escape The Cove and seek out their King and his kingdom.

 

82b87494c5e1543e73cce3e18ce58733_pi_250x250Cooper (Age 23 / SC) – Placed in The Cove at the age of 4, Cooper has very few memories of the land above or of his birth mother.  Being one of the older children in The Cove, he has had a lot of responsibility since it was sealed.  It weighs heavily upon his shoulders and his main concerns in life are taking care of his blood sister Keona and his best friend Jamara.  As the Unsealing grows closer, he struggles to find a way to keep them safe.

 

 

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Keona (Age 19 / SC) – As the last child to be born in The Cove before it was sealed, Keona is the baby of the makeshift family and one of the few to actually have a blood sibling.  She and Cooper are very close and are rarely ever seen apart.  Her best friend apart from Cooper is Jamara and they have grown up doing everything together.  Keona is very headstrong and used to having her own way.  Her chief goal is to escape The Cove and the Dome and find the land.

(Keona is not as well-developed yet, because she literally just showed up on my proverbial doorstep yesterday and demanded to be allowed into the story.)

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Well, those are four of my babies.  There are many more awesome characters in this story, but these ones hold a special place in my heart right now.  (Especially Shastiana and Keona…but don’t tell anybody. ;P)

Which one is your favorite character?